Kentucky’s Yes Ma’am

Everyone has their ideal man. Personally, I tend to gravitate toward baseball players, but who doesn’t love a good old, home grown country boy? They have the most ear-gasmic accents, they are not afraid to get dirty, and they usually know how to treat a woman.

But let the crazy begin.

Mikey.Army dude.Kentucky.Kowboy.My White Whale.

Just a few names that he goes by. I’m going take you back to spring break of 2014. Not the PCB/Girls Gone Wild type spring break, but the kind I went down to visit my sister for her 21st birthday. Still an absolute blast, but I was surrounded by family, so I had to keep it somewhat tame. My sister and I are super close so I was beyond excited to finally be in the same city as her and having as much fun as possible. Figured while I was down there I’d do a little Tindering, just to see the difference in guys. Holy shit was there a differnce. They were nice and polite, messaged me first, and had a general interest in getting to know you. Complete opposite of the guys that ask for nudes in the first five minutes of a conversation. I’m one of those people that actually read profiles, and never had I laughed at what someone had wrote. Funny? Check. He was in the army. Loves ‘Merica? Check. Not to mention he was tall and absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful future kids? Check. On paper, already light years ahead of the competition and lucky me,he messaged me first.

Not saying that Tinder should be used to find relationships (Which in later posts, I learned the hard way), but God damn,if I don’t wish sometimes that I was an army wife. He lived on an army base on the boarder of Kentucky (again, the K trend continues), 6’3″, 200 lb, born and raised in Texas, did a tour in overseas and had quite a few tattoos. He was the ideal country boy. I think one of the first conversations we had was how sad he was the day he had to trade his cowboy boots for combat boots. There was never a lack in conversation. I feel bad that I was on vacation with my family and on my phone the whole time, but never had I gotten along with someone so well. He was a hottie with a body….that I’d never get too see unfortunately. As break drew to an end, we realized the likeliness of ever meeting each other was like zero. Life hates me like that. But in some weird miracle, he still wanted to talk to me. He wanted to know if we could start texting and talking to each other on the phone. WHERE HAD THE UNIVERSE BEEN HIDING THIS KID FROM ME?!

Fast forward a bit, we talked on the phone, text, Skyped regularly. His voice and smile were perfection. He would text me “Good morning pretty lady” every day. We had talked pretty much everyday and got to know a lot about each other. We’d considered ourselves really good friends. As we got closer, a lot about his life began to explain  him as a person. His parents were divorced, his mom was a breast cancer survivor, his brother was a gay and in the Navy. He was a complicated soul. It made sense why he had tried to explain to me he wasn’t mentally stable. Nice try buddy, but I grew up in a house with mental disorder, can’t scare me away. I know how to handle you. I didn’t know if this was meant to scare me away or one of those crazy mind games men like to play. Who ever real knows. I just took it with a grain of salt. We had the mutual understanding that all we would ever be was friends. I was totally down with being just friends. I had done a long distance type relationship before, and they sucked. It was just great to get to know a great guy.  At this point, I tried to explain to my girlfriends all about him. Half of them told me to hit it the other half told me he just wanted to knock me up and keep me on base forever. I should have taken this as a sign that no one would understand the kind of relationship that me and him have.

Fast forward a month or so, we’re still talking every day, no sign of us ever meeting each other, but we still enjoyed what we had. Then, of course, there comes a day that we had not texted each other. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured there had to be some good reason that he hadn’t text me. He was up for work early…maybe he was napping. He never went out with his friends…he deserved a night out. I spent the whole night coming up with reasons why he hadn’t text me that day. Looking back at it, it was pretty pathetic, but live and learn fa sho. I text him the next morning wishing him a good day. Still…nothing. Three days had gone by before he finally text me back. “Hi” was all I got. I tried to keep my cool, but I take my friendships seriously. I had explained to him that I understand that he was busy and he didn’t owe me anything. He apologized, but had explained to me that things were getting a little to serious for him and he freaked out a little bit. That kinda only pissed me off more, because in no way did I feel like things were getting too serious. I wasn’t asking him to marry me, wasn’t asking him to move in. I just was asking about his day and the random facts about him, and I don’t think that’s too much. We both shook off the incident, but I’ll never forget how it made me feel.

Well, in some weird twist, it kinda made us even closer. We started sharing more intimate details about each other…aka we started talking about sex. There was no doubt that we were attracted to each other and we had no problem letting each other know it. I’m not one for sexting, but whats a racy photo here or there. He was sending me more than just racy pics, but I was not complaining. There no other way of explaining it, but he had a real nice penis. I regularly let him know that. I swore this man was sent from heaven just for me and that nothing could go wrong. Then again, when does life not like to fuck me.

Now again, this is a six foot big army dude. He had seen and lived some shit. I figured he had quite the sexual history, but we were about even in the fact that we had not slept with many people. So when he asked me the following question, it was completely thrown from left field.

“How do you feel about domination?”

Literally, what the fuck? How does anyone feel about domination? I had only been in very vanilla situations and the craziest place I had ever had sex was the backseat of a car. I mean, being on Tinder, I have heard some pretty fucked up stuff, but I didn’t know those people. I actually knew things about this kids. I’m pretty sure I waited a good ten mins. before I responded.

“I’m down”

I mean, why not? I’m naturally bitchy, so it only seems right. Low key, I’m also really big into documentaries, and had seen one not too long ago about the lifestyles of professional dominatrices. They made fantastic money and had this air of confidence. Not to mention they got to boss powerful men around for money. I know for a fact I would make a fucking fantastic mistress. All women these days are totally down with the whole “50 Shades of Grey” type situation. Not that I wouldn’t want that to happen to me, but I’d rather be the dominant.

That was the turning point in our relationship and brings us to where me and him are today. We text each other pretty much every day whenever we are free. He literally does whatever I say because his job is to make me happy. It way more than just a purely sexual relationship, its like a bonus version of a friendship. We never really made like an official documented agreement but we do have a few rules that include

  1. If I’m bored, he has to entertain me
  2. He is not allowed to do some things without my permission, like masturbating or sometimes sleeping
  3. Calling me by my name is strictly prohibited (Freaks me out) so he is only allowed to address me as “ma’am”
  4. If he breaks a rule, he gets punished — no masturbating for a week, etc.
  5. If he follows the rules, he gets rewarded — allowed to watch porn, etc.
  6. I am allowed to do whatever I want to him, as long as I don’t dismember him and draw blood.
  7. Catch no feelings, because that would just be weird

Now, it might sound a little harsh, but I’m the boss and I can do whatever I want. He absolutely loves it. Never in a million years did I think I would ever do this stuff with him in person, but of course, like a broken record, my life’s one big old joke. We both built up the courage to actually try it for real. I packed up a car and set the GPS to Kentucky.

I had stopped about half way to get some supplies. I have been into sex shops before, but never to buy domination/ bondage. I clearly looked like I had no idea what I was doing, so the nice lady who went by Cookie, helped me pick some stuff out. I clearly have no shame, because I explained to Cookie the entire situation. She told me to start small. She helped me pick out a blindfold and whip. When it came to handcuffs, she said that a dude of his stature, he was going to break through the handcuffs, so I went with padded restrains. Cookie and I had a good laugh the entire time I was there, but I had a journey to continue.

I was nervous as fuck pulling onto the base. I drove around till I pulled up to his barracks. First off, when he walked up to the car, he was even more beautiful in person. God damn, pretty sure I thanked Jesus a few times. He gave me a big hug, took my bag, and was super excited to see me. Finally hearing his voice in person only made me more smitten. Best. Fucking. Accent. Ever. So far so  good. His room in the barracks was the size of a shoe box, like I don’t know how anyone would function in there. I sat on his bed because I was tired from driving so long, so we had a few beers and decided to watched a movie. It was just super comfortable and not awkward at all, which I thought was super weird. He put his arm around me and other hand holding mine. We made small talk about the movie while we were getting though the credits. That was until he turns to me, looks me dead in the eyes and says

“I have been waiting to damn long to do this.”

He planted a big old kiss on my lips and I’m pretty sure we were lip locked for the next 20 minutes. Bring it on. Clothes on the ground, alcohol  in my system, and a phenomenal army man with his hands all over me, I was in heaven. I was pretty sure it wasn’t real life. This mother fucker tossed me around a little bit, but then he just stopped. In my head, I was like, ‘no no no, keep going,’ but he looked at me and said

“What do you need me to do for you ma’am”

Umm, yes. I made him go down on me, and of course, he was a fucking natural at that too. The moment was finally here. I made him wear the blind fold, tied his arms behind his back, and made him lay on the bed. Too spare the details of me yelling dirty things to him, I whipped him around a little bit and made him thank me for the love taps. I really liked the feeling of power that I had, just as much as he loved being whipped in the ass and me choking him. I moved him to a chair and tied him to the closet. Still had not allowed him to penetrate me, but he was begging for it. Teasing him was probably the most fun part of it all. He sat there with only his sense of hearing, tied to a chair, blindfolded, naked, and begging me to fuck him. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself for a little bit. I told him to sit there for a little bit so I could go get a drink of water in his kitchen.

In retrospect , I wouldn’t have left the room if I had known 1. that his roommate was home and 2. if the barracks bedroom doors lock automatically when you close them. So I bet you can assume what happened. I went to go open the door again, and couldn’t get it back open. I was standing naked in his kitchen, no way to get back into the room, with his roommate home, and its not like he could have just got up and opened the door for me. Most awkward sexual experience that I have ever had, by far. Freaking out, if me and him didn’t figure it out, we were going to have to call the military police to come open the door. I was not about to let that happen. This is where his room being the size of a cracker box came in handy. I reached across the room with his leg, falling out of the chair, and opened the door with his foot. I helped him back into the chair, and we just laughed. At least we had a sense of humor about it. I thought that was a good enough deed to actually have sex with him at that point. Little advice, sex in a chair is super sexy and intimate. I loved it.

Bada Bing Bada Boom, we were both ready for bed. We squeezed onto his little twin, and passed out. I woke up early in the morning because I had a long way back home, so I packed up my shit, gave him a kiss goodbye, and headed out of the barracks. My good luck continued though as I walked out onto the base….on Monday…in civilian clothing. I stuck out like a sore thumb and had a very strange walk of shame to my car. Benefit of it though, got to watch more beautiful men in uniform. I stopped at Sonic, and called my best friend to word vomit all the details. We had a good laugh as I drove back home.

Mikey and me continue to do our thing. March is going to be one whole year of this crazy, stupid roller coaster. I haven’t been back to visit yet for a round two, but I will soon and we’ve already got a ton of new ideas that we wanna try. For example, he wants me to tie up his balls (to each their own? haha) We have had the conversation about how far we wanna take this relationship, and we agree we’re going to keep it going till one of us gets into an actual relationship. I don’t see that happening for either of us any time soon though.

I’m probably having way more fun than I should be, but fuck it. It makes for a great story and nothing guys tell me anymore really surprised me anymore.

Not so vanilla anymore.

Keeping Kalm & Taste Good

“Where will you meet your future husband?” and “Why are you single?” were just a few of the titles on those random generator I was messing around with the other day. As a future crazy dog lady, it’s shit like this that gives me a little bit of hope. Low and behold, I came across a “What is the initial of the man you’ll marry?” generator. If I knew anything about myself and joke of a life, I knew what the answer was going to be and, as per usual, I was right. K. Why wouldn’t it be? But so it goes, the letter K has yet again had some strange presence in my life, as mentioned in my previous post.

On Tinder, usually when a guy has his profile picture looking all professional, he’s a student athlete. They are well worth check out. Personally, I cross my fingers for a baseball player or hockey player. Might be a bit of a cleat chaser or a puck slut, but who wouldn’t want to be a trophy wife? Got to scoop them up before they sign their professional contracts! Any who, I thoroughly research those that I match with. Not going to fall for a bat boy or Zamboni driver (Happened to a girlfriend of mine). I will Google you, I will check your stats, I will look at the teams current roster. I’m a little crazy like that. So following tradition, when I matched with Kevin, I went into full stalker mode.

For some reason, something about a pitcher having a strong, shapely upper body and a solid base drives me nuts and damn. Like God damn, this kid was fucking gorgeous. I distinctly remember telling my best friend that “he is the man of my dreams”.He was 6’3, tatted up, blonde with blue eyes (another apparent weakness of mine), West Coast native, and best of all, a pitcher semi-professionally. I think the best part of it all was he was actually a decent guy. We had some very normal get-to-know-you conversations, made each other laugh, and had a clear attraction to each other. Lucky for me, he was only a hop,skip, n a jump away from where I was going to school.We started planning to hang out, until he got the call that he was going to be traded to another team. Here was this great guy that I actually liked, but I’d never actually get to meet. I was pissed.

After spending the evening in the campus bars, my drunk self thought it be a good idea to send my usual drunk texts. FYI drunk texts are never a good idea, but I knew he’d get a kick out of it. He asked what I’d been up too n gave him the run down of my night. Told him I was pretty drunk and needed a back massage because my dance moves had thrown my back out. Not only had he offered to give me said massage, he said hed drive over that moment. Took my drunk self a minute or so to realize that I had just drunk booty called him, but I was beyond down.

As I started to wonder aimlessly waiting around my place waiting, panic set into my drunk mind. 1. I had never been someones booty call, let alone have one of my own and 2. I needed to clean my place stat. I started running around my apartment like a crazy person picking stuff up and vacuuming. Showering also seemed like a good option so I ran to get it started. My brain had me going a million miles and hour, so I called my best friend to calm me down. Not only did she answer out of her dead of sleep, she laughed at me for a good 20 mins. Thats the defitnition of a true best friend. She had assured me that everything would be fine and to just have fun with it. Bitch is my rock. After the fastest shower I’ve ever taken in my life, got the call that he was there.

He was a lot taller than I thought he’d be and I swear the most beautiful eyes. Couldnt stop looking at them. He had that laid back sufer attidute and a very definded California accent. He joked around about my Midwest accent and the way I said the word ‘awesome’. So far so good. He showed me all his tattoos and explained what they meant. He was very familyboriented and loved baseball. Should have just asked him to marry me right then n there, but
for some reason, we got on some subject that lead into a story about how he had been abducted when he was 16.

He had been hanging out with some friends when a group of men asked them for their wallets and phones. Each of them had taken off into a different direction, except the tubbier friend got left behind. He had gone back to help him when the group of dudes grabbed him. They then spend he evening driving around in a stolen car making him take the money out of ATMs from cards they had already stole. Eventually they let him go and they caught the guys that had commited the crime. That story was a lot for my drunk brain to handel.

He had also told me the story about the last girlfriend he had being a straight psyhco. Now I know I’m bat shit crazy, but this bitch took the cake. Not only did she not take the break up well, she turned into a stalker. She would show up randomly at places his family planned to go or talk about things only he would know. How did she accomplish this? She hacked into the familys ICloud and had access to all of their calenders and computers. Bravo to that bitch for going the extra mile and making girls like me look somewhat normal.

I could see why she would though. This kid was fantastic in every which way. Swear I heard the angels singing when he took his shirt off. His body was fucking banging. Not only that but he was good with his hands. The blessings of fooling around with a pitcher. This shit went off without a hitch. I was convinced that nothing could go wrong. That was until whilst he was down south, he had uttered the phrase ‘Damn, you taste so good.’ Im sorry….what the fuck does that even mean? Am I suppose to say thank you? Do I get a cookie? I was real damn confused, so I went with a ‘Great.’ Why would I want to know how I tasted? He continued to say this line over and over again, and it just got real uncomfortable. Looking back now, it is the most akward thing ever that someone has said to me during sex.

He texts me now every so often, just to check in and see how I’m doing. I’m just too weirded out to text him back. I would have loved to been thisnkids trophy wife though.

Better than a foot fetish I guess

My K Komplex

Its funny how sometimes are brains make connections between things that have absolutely nothing to do with each other. It could be a reoccuring number or a song that comes on the radio. For me, it’s a letter. K. I think I sound krazy for having some strange konnection with a letter, but my life’s an ongoing joke anyway. Why wouldn’t it make sense that my konnection is with the oddest letter in the alphabet only behind the letter Q? Korey was only the beginning.

Whilst browsing my nightly Tinder, I had match with a guy that was about 30 miles away. His description went something along the lines of him being a shy guy who was honest and just trying to live life. His pictures showed that his selfie game was strong, but damn did he have it going on. Tall, blonde, blue eyes? He looked like a good old kountry boy and nothing is more attractive to city girls, let me tell ya.

We started messaging and he mentioned that he worked at a power line surveyor that was in the area contracted for work. He was just looking for a girl to hang out with because he was sick of always being with his male koworkers. No harm in that. So let the get to know you begin. 6’3, from a small town in Kansas, former kollege football player, who liked his kars. Explained I was a whole foot smaller, that I was a student at the University, and I just needed a male friend who wasn’t a komplete odd ball. He seemed very genuine and we klicked real well. After about a week, we had moved to texting, which then lead to planning when we should hang out for real. I won’t even talk about the first time that we met, because it was awkward and I’d like to pretend it didn’t happen, but the next thing I know, I was on a train headed to his motel for some McDonald’s and movies. He picked me up in his bosses truck and we did a quick trip to the drive through and bummed it out on his bed with some TV. I planned to stay the night and he was going to drive me back to campus in the morning, because who would guess that the train didn’t run through small town USA all hours of the day? Thinking about it, it sounded absolutely krazy to stay with a komplete stranger overnight, but I had already forwarded his name, description, and phone number to my best friend just in kase. Our konversations and chemistry were effortless. It was like we had been klose friends for years, so of kourse, one thing leads to another, BOOM, naked.

Now, I had only ever been with one person, and we were pretty set in our ways. Nothing to krazy, but nothing that would put someone to sleep. I was a little intimidated for someone else to see my naked body while his was that of Gods, but he’s the one that undressed me so no komplaints in that department. He had a kouple tattoos which only kontributed to how gorgeous this kid was. He was also well endowed…like really well endowed. So much so, that he will forever have the nicest one I’ve ever seen. And as were going at it, he mentions that he use to wrestle. Next thing I know, he’s tossing me around like its the WWE. We pretty much had sex on every surface of that room, and I don’t have one single bit of shame about it. I also learned the beauty of shower sex, which I have to say, what the hell was I doing with my life before that. After a few hours, we took a snack break (which I still think is hilarious) and marched on. Another hour or so goes by and we decided to call it quits.

This kid not only kuddled me all night, when I woke up, we went for another quick round two. Surprise wake up sex is another thing I found out I was missing in my life, but to fast forward, he was suppose to drive me back to kampus after work. However, because of the weather, he wasn’t going to bring me back till super late. THANK THE GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN my best friend was going to pass through town on her way back to kampus. Here’s the thing though….I hadn’t quite told her I was sleeping over, kinda just told her I was going on a date. Your best friend isn’t your best friend if she doesn’t laugh hysterically when you explain to her your abandoned in the middle of nowhere and komes to pick you up. I had planned to stay in the room till she came to get me, but the awkward run in with the kleaning lady had prompted me to wait for her in the McDonald’s. I’m pretty sure everyone in the place thought we were on drugs when she walked in and we embraced each other like a couple of whack jobs laughing like idiots. It goes unsaid we had an interesting ride home.

Korey and me kould not get enough of each other. We texted every day, even when he had gone back to Kansas on vacation. We both knew what kind of friendship this had become so we had laid down a few laws.

Our unofficial terms included

  • Don’t talk about ex’s
  • We were going to see other people
  • No relationship kould kome out of this
  • We were going to ride this out for as long as we could
  • Kondoms, 100% necessary despite his beautiful gift
  • He’d pay for my ticket to come out to see him
  • THE BEHIND IS AN EXIT NOT AN ENTRANCE (it’s not that hard of a concept)

Now, though these were unofficial agreements, either he was a dumb ass and/or he didn’t understand basic English.  I liked the idea of him because once our relationship ran its kourse, I would never have to see him again and he would just be a great story to tell. Like the perfect situation friends with benefits. That was until he pretty much did a complete 180 on me. We had kontinued to see each other for months after first hanging out, but he went a little krazy as time went on. The following are just a few quickies to prove such point, and I will mention one more time, tolerated him for his beautiful penis (wont even deny it).

  1. Kalled me out on numerous occasions for having more romantic feelings for him….Oh you wish sweet heart, and I’m not the one who screamed out they missed me so much
  2. Begged for a three some with me and my friends…..Shouldn’t have even fathomed the idea
  3. Would regularly kompare me to his ex….Who I was apparently krazier than (Score in my book)
  4. Would then kompare himself to my ex….Just no words…
  5. Talked about the girls he would hook up with after me…PS he got roofied at one point (Karma)
  6. Tried to make me feel guilty for not being able to hang out with him all the time…Sorry I’m doing something with my life
  7. Tried to pull a Houdini on me….Not about to have little you’s and me’s running around dear
  8. Regularly still tried to have anal…Good joke bro

But here comes the icing on the cake.

He was only going to be in the state a little while longer, so we had planned out a kouple more times to see each other before it was over forever. This time, he had kome to me instead of the opposite way around. We had been arguing for the few days before so we were excited that we were going to be having some great make up sex. As we did normally during sex, our conversation had gravitated to life after each other. He boasted that ‘I would never have better sex with anyone else’. Granted, looking back it’s kind of true, I realized that this should probably be our last time because I tolerated this kocky ass hole long enough. Made the best of it and it couldn’t have gone any better for the end of ends….till he kalled me a few days later.

Me thinking he was asking to see me that night, I answer the phone to tell him I was busy. Instead of a ‘Hello’ or even a ‘Sup’, I was greeted with a phrase that made my heart literally sink to my stomach, ‘When’s the last time you got tested?’ I WAS IN kOMPLETE SHOCK. Konfused, I asked him what the hell he was talking about. He said that he had a red, itchy spot down there that he assumed was some STD. He simply told me that I might have just possibly ruined his life and that I should probably go get myself tested. Panic set in and I called my best friend in milli seconds. Not only did I make him wear a kondom for this reason, I had never been in this type of situation before. It’s not fun. She did a fantastic job about calming me down and offered to take me to Planned Parenthood and pay for whatever tests I needed. We set up the appointment, but because of some unfortunate kircumstances, I missed it. Thank God I did however, because I got a phone kall from Korey, informing me that the ‘SDT’ of koncern was a heat rash….from him manscaping and his jeans causing irritation. Didn’t apologize, didn’t offer to make it up to me. His solution to our problem? Lets keep having sex. Lets accuse people of transferring diseases and make up for it with sex. It made total sense.  I gave him a good laugh into the phone, hung up, and deleted every trace of him out of my phone.

He text me everyday trying to get together, till eventually he left. The texts stop, but he still occasionally sends me a nice old snap of his penis with the kaption “Miss this?”. No. No I don’t. I really despise this kid and it opened up my eyes to the real psychos out there, but these are the lessons we learn.

 

#2 in my book, but only the beginning of my strange ties with the letter K.

No brah, I’m not your Tinderella

If the person I use to be saw who I have become today, past me would have beat future me’s ass. This isn’t always necessarily a bad thing. I use to be a picky eater, I now eat anything and everything. I didn’t believe in sex before marriage, now that’s just a good joke I tell myself. Online dating was for people that were old and had no social skills, but here I am writing a blog about it. Now I ‘d heard of Tinder, but I was in a relationship and didn’t understand the point of it. It’s mostly known as the hook up app so it didn’t catch too much of my attention. That was until first swipe.

I remember sitting in my room one night at about 8, just painting my nails and watching a movie. I was trying to make my nails dry faster without fucking them up, so I decided I was gunna mess around on my phone. The night before, Reddit had a thread on the most hilarious Tinder stories and they had me cracking up. Needless to say, I kinda sealed my own fate by deciding to download it. Chose my profile pictures from Facebook, fixed the age and distance perimeters, and put my life motto as my about me no problem, but when it came to actually swiping, I was terrified. Next thing I know, it was 3 in the morning, and I had not swiped right for a single person. Literally, swiped left for hundreds of dudes. Not that I didn’t want to swipe right, I was just scared of actually matching with someone. What would they say? What the fuck would I say?

A bevy of frat stars, athletes, townies, and everyone in between had popped up on my shitty phones screen. I thought I knew what kind of guy I was into, but Tinder was like the buffet of men, so I eventually started swiping right. “ITS A MATCH” started popping up on my screen. It was a weird feeling knowing that someone out there who knew nothing about you found you attractive. My matches eventually started building up and it was time to nut up of shut up when it came to actually talking to someone.

I remember my first match. I think his name was Connor? Something with a C…(Cunt also starts with a C, what do ya know?) He lived a couple miles out from where I was going to school. We messaged back and for a couple days, and he seemed like a pretty normal guy. Again, I must be a comedian because that’s another good joke. We were talking every night before we went to bed and really got to know a lot about each other. Found out he wanted to be a Diesel Technician, 6’3, 21, alternative rock, farm kid. Didn’t help he was tall, super cute, and the cowboy types (at the time, a weakness). Things started to get a little more serious when he asked for my phone number so we could talk during the day. This is what I had been so nervous about? Like not even a big deal, pull your shit together. It was a lot faster to text then waiting for messages on Tinder. As we continued to get to know each other, I got a little more curious about who exactly he was. My psycho kicked in. I won’t even try to deny that I Facebook stalked him. It’s as easy as typing their phone number into the search bar. What do ya know, he was the first result. I found  embarrassing high school stuff, those random likes that we forget we clicked, the funny statuses he made when watching a football game….Oh yeah and the adorable pictures of him and his girl friend. Yup…mother fucking girl friend. I’m 100% certain I had laughed out loud. You best bet that I text him asap for an explanation, but I played it cool. “Oh so hows your girlfriend doing?” Ok, so maybe not as smooth as I thought, but I’m not the beat around the bush type. He never responded. He unmatched me on Tinder. He also probably deleted me out of his phone so his girlfriend wouldn’t find out. This kid definitely was the first peek into the potential kind of people that you have the chances of running into online.

I started Tinder not knowing all the unwritten rules and practices that come with it. I had been in a relationship for so long, I was basically a sacrificial lamb. I never had the intention of finding my future husband on it, but a normal conversation and a few laughs would have been nice. Instead I learned the following…

Things that would have been nice to know: 

 

  1. Guys will swipe right for you, but never fucking talk to you….like why even swipe in the first place
  2. Sometimes you’ll swipe right and message them first, and they still won’t talk to you
  3. For ever 1 ‘decent’ guy you might get along with, there’s at least 15 who will make you lose faith in humanity
  4. You will get the greatest and the strangest pick up lines…..who the hell comes up with these things?
  5. DO NOT PUT YOUR SNAP CHAT OR INSTAGRAM IN YOUR BIO…stalkers are real
  6. Guys usually don’t care what your major is, how old you are, where you’re from…but the size of your ass and tits, what your fantasies are, and what your number is determines your character
  7. If either party has a larger number of group pictures, its most likely the ugly one
  8. Them liking your moment is basically them poking you with the tip of their dick
  9. If you start getting one words answers as responses, the conversations about to die….you should probably dip the fuck out
  10. You can put in the effort and talk to someone for weeks, then they just disappear on you which is a huge waste of time,  but you def. dodged a bullet (Until the try to come back, popping up through the wood work like nothing ever happened)

 

Despite joining blind and learning things the hard way, I can’t get enough of it. I can honestly say I would not be who I am today with out it. I’ve meet a lot of great guys, a lot of weird guys, and a lot of in between. I like getting to know someone knew that I might not have otherwise ever talked too, but there’s still a huge taboo about Tinder. I try to convince people that its not as bad as it sounds, but a lot of people still aren’t 100% sold. I still get a lot of shit for it, but I’m well into my 20s and can honestly say I’ve lived enough for 2 lifetimes.

 

 

What’s the point of going through life not knowing?

 

 

Oh and rule #11….You are going to be asked to be his Tinderella, I can guarantee it

You’ve gotta start somewhere

I’ve never been a writer. Like I’m pretty sure I’m really bad at it actually. Never the less, the past year has been so life changing and interesting for me that I had to share all the experiences. My best friend and I thought nothing was more appropriate than to start a blog that would have people in stitches about the horrible, awkward, and just outright strange things that can happen to a girl who is let loose to the wolves of online dating sites and apps. So here’s to hopefully making my joke of a life the butt of your future jokes. I’ve also changed a lot of names and a few situations, but the gist is still the same.

In my ideal world, I would have married my high school sweet heart, rode off into the sunset, have one hell of a Pinterest wedding, and like 60 beautiful children. My parents had the kind of relationship that I had always wanted, so why wouldn’t I want the same? Dating had just never interested me in high school. I had dabbled in blind dating, getting set up by different friends. One guy didn’t talk to me the whole time, pretty sure the one guy didn’t even know my name, and the real winner sang to me and told me the waitress at the restaurant wanted his cock…I think it goes without saying why I wasn’t interested. That was until met him.

He was tall and lanky, super awkward, and I was convinced he owned one pair of pants and one hoodie. We were complete opposites, and I had zero interest. Like zero interest. Sounds terrible, but I’m stubborn (sue me). Our friends were ruthlessly persistent. So loonnnnnnggggg story short, we started dating, fell in love, and spent every free moment together. We were best friends and I really couldn’t have imagined my future with anyone else but him. I had obviously never been with anyone else and he was my first official boyfriend, so I had nothing to compare us too, but I didn’t need to know. I was in love.

Fast forward to us going off to college and committing to a long distance relationship, we knew it would be hard. Despite all the odds, we had made it through the first year. If staying in a committed relationship going huge party schools isn’t love, I don’t know what is. As adults, we made the decision that our relationship had reached the level where we would be comfortable having sex together. Holy shit was it great decision.

Everyone’s first time is hella awkward. We were each others first, so I was fine knowing that we would both be figuring it out as we went along. He was definitely blessed. Eventually, we tried everything and everything that we possibly could, but kept it pretty vanilla. We were young and had not the slightest fucking clue what was going on. I knew I loved him, that’s all that mattered. Highlight of our relationship though is definitely messing around in the back of his car (I don’t recommend it if they’re over six feet however). We messed around in some really weird places, but we were making love, not fucking. It actually meant something.

 

There comes a time in every relationship though where it straddles a line. The comfort level in our relationship had gotten us to the point of do we stay together because we’ve done this for so long or do we undoubtedly love each other and we’re just in a rut. Personally, I just think that we had grown together as much as we could, and now we needed to grow on our own. I can honestly say that I don’t regret anything that ever happened between us. I would give anything for things to be different, but at the end of the day, we were headed in different directions and I didn’t feel that he loved me anymore. Packing up your things, putting all the pictures and momentos in a box under your bed, crying to your girlfriends for hours, I went the whole nine yards that people go through in a break up. I’m a very optimistic person though. I knew that if I could fall in love once, I could fall in love again.

Over the past year, I’ve been a member of several dating apps hoping to find someone who would be my stepping stone back into the world of dating. Has my life been a roller coaster ever since. I had been accounted for for the past few years and now I was being let back into the wild as a single college student. This blog is basically just the crazy shit that has happen to me and the even more fucked up shit that leaves the mouths of things with a penis.

 

Let my on going joke begin…